Christmas Eve Drama!

Sooooo, this year Christmas is all set to be super tough for this mama! This year will be the first year ever, that I have not had all of my children with me on Christmas morning...four of my six will not be with us. We have one on a mission, one incarcerated, and two out of the state visiting in Alabama. I knew this time was coming and had worked hard trying to steel myself against the sadness that was sure to take hold on Christmas morning. I was a woman on the edge Christmas eve morning and then....well, here goes.

A month ago one of our cars was stolen while I was in the store with our youngest two. To save money we had just recently dropped our rental coverage because SERIOUSLY we have paid for it for over 13 years and never needed it. I've paid enough in rental insurance to buy a freaking car so......we are out one car and don't have rental...GREAT! While the insurance company is trying to "work it out" I have been driving a different car, which on December 23rd started to make some very strange noises. I took it by a local dealer and was informed it was the timing belt and needed to be replaced immediately! He could fix it the day after Christmas, for $1000! UGH!

 Due to my inability to process any further stress during this holiday season, I parked the car at home and began to drive my husbands truck. I was all Scarlet O'hara "oh I can't think about that right now, if I do I'll go crazy....after all tomorrow is another day." 

Then comes "tomorrow" the 24th. I get up at the crack of dawn so I can get into work early and can leave early because it's Christmas eve and I'm not done with Christmas yet...surprise surprise. On the drive to work I thought the truck was making the same noise...probably just my crazy coming out, I turned down the radio and opened the windows...nothing. I parked, got out and as I was walking away I heard....something...it sounded like whistling...of course the tire is leaking air! Why wouldn't it be!? I called Matt and said ummm tire is going flat, he said go to the store and get fix-a-flat...HA! It's almost flat..it isn't leaking air it is gushing air...in one minute the tire and I both found ourselves...airless :(

Matt gets the babies (17 months and 2 months) up and comes to rescue me. He gets to my work, changes the tire and puts on a rather pathetic donut.

On a side note..come on! The invention of the donut was awesome for those of us to irresponsible to ensure we have a full size spare but even as a quick fix...on a full size truck not only it is ridiculous looking, it's a death trap! 

So...my knight in shining pajamas with two crusty eyed babies take the flat to go get it fixed. An hour later Matt calls to say the tire shop closest to our home (approximately 20 minutes away) does not have the tire in stock and there is only ONE in town about 40 (more) minutes away and that he will have to go there to get it. I was surprised when my cell rang 2 minutes later, Matt was slightly distressed...he was in such a hurry to come rescue me, he had left his wallet at home! 

Daddy with now hungry babies in tow drove home. He grabbed the wallet, and some baggies of cereal and left to seek the infamous tire located almost an hour from home. I was relived to get the call just over an hour later hoping that he had arrived at the tire shop safely....he had...however, he was SO flustered when he realized he did not have his wallet at the first shop that he ran out to go get it.....and left the flat tire there! Dad is now 2 & 1/2 hours into this trip and on his way back across town to retrieve our abandoned flat. It's nap time now...thing 1 (Piper-17 months old) who hates her car-seat more than anything in this world, has come COMPLETELY unglued! 

She has eaten everything she can find, drank all three of her sippies and 1 of the baby's bottles and has almost figured out how to get out of her seat. Thing 2 (Sayler-2 months) is remaining graceful under pressure and has slept the entire time thus far. 

Dad is still hanging in there...I'm not even in this and with every call I feel my blood pressure rising...being entirely honest, in my current state I wold have driven myself into a light pole by now! 

Daddy gets the tire and begins to head back to tire shop #2....well, thing 1 has some quiet bags that some women from church and myself made, the one made by me was a plastic sandwich baggie filled with clear hair gel and little alphabet tiles (it was hot glued shut!) and...my cell rings...

"Tonight won't be alphabet soup, it will be alphabet poop!" is what I hear...What? Yep, she got the baggie opened, had generously applied hair gel all over her body and eaten a number of the letters. 

Now dad is on the side of the freeway trying to un-sticky thing 1 but, after two poops on this journey already...he only has 3 wipes left! Of course he didn't bring a change of clothes, this was supposed to be a 45 minute job. He gets her "clean" makes it to tire shop #2, and well....it is going to take an hour to change the tires out! 

So, Dad takes thing 1 & thing 2 to McDonald's next door...mom is HORRIFIED! I want to scream...NO, those babies look homeless! I hear the small voice in my head that says if I want to remain married, I'm going to have to let this one go.... let the babies....sticky, dirty, without matching clothes....without SHOES, go in public (it was JUST McDonald's) and let dad unwind or he wasn't going to make it!

(Dad is using an iPhone to photo this trek only because he knows how much pictures them mean to me - he does NOT focus on quality)

Almost 6 hours after dad and babies show up at mommies work to "fix" the flat....dad pulls back in with a new tire! Thing 1 & 2 are both asleep, actually other than two diaper changes and one bottle, little bitty slept the ENTIRE time!

Christmas is tomorrow and my heart already aches to think of waking without most my crew but...on this day I am SO very thankful for my husband...for his patience, for his love, I am so thankful for the father he is and that he is always there to save me, no matter how long the rescuing takes :)

I am even more thankful that this adventure was his and NOT mine...the Lord gives us what we can handle....I would not have handled this well!

22nd Birthday

Sister Z (my oldest minion) currently serving her mission in Salem Oregon turns 22 on November 30th. This will be the first time in either of our lives, that we have not been together on her birthday. My heart is sad that I will not get to call or text her at 3:28 am (that was the time she was born) the morning of her birthday, as I have every year for as long as I can remember. I am saddened that I don't get to wake her up with tons of junk food (our version of breakfast in bed) in our birthday morning ritual. I will miss singing her Happy Birthday way TOO loud, way TOO early while she yells at us to get out of her room! The day will not be the same without seeing her blow the candles out on her Chocolate Chip Cookie Birthday Cake (Always a Cookie Cake). I will not get to torture her by making her wait ALL day to open her presents until Every member of the family is home at night. I will not get to see the joy on her face as she rips into the stash of junk she doesn't really need but is SO thankful to have! My mom heart aches at the thought of not getting to hug her neck, not being able to kiss her cheeks, not being able to whisper in her ear how much I love her. I may have already cried a little because I know her birthday is going to be without me and she is going to Love It!
I tried to make sure that she has the birthday she would have had, if she was at home so....here is what I did:

First I made a "Birthday in a Box" it included everything her & Sis Redd (her companion) would need to create their own birthday party. 
It included goodie bags for both, cake mix, frosting & sprinkles with "22" candles. (I sent cupcake papers incase they decided to do cupcakes) table cloths, streamers and balloons.

 

For her gifts we decided to be a little funny....she hates and I do mean HATES when balloons pop so....with that knowledge in hand, below is her Birthday Present

 

 

We wrapped the inside of a very large box and then blew up 22 balloons and put her gifts inside each balloon. They included gift cards (very hard to get inside), chap stick, mascara, money, and letters from each of us. In order to get each gift...she's going to have to bust the balloon. HA! So wish I could see her face when she opens this! 

We'll have to see how many survive the shipping :)

 

Although mama bear is super sad to miss out on this day with my oldest, it was lots of fun creating her Birthday in Box.

Happy Birthday Kiarra Zubicki 

 I love you to the moon and back!

 

Missionary Thanksgiving

This is our first Thanksgiving away from Kiarra and after much Pinterest and Google searching and hunting....I concluded none of them possessed the ides that I was looking for. I knew what I was looking for, except I did not know what it was but, I would know it when I saw it....in my head that makes sense :/

I know Kiarra...inside and out, I know her! I know what she likes, what she wants, I know what she is Thankful for...which gave me the idea for the perfect missionary Thanksgiving Day package.

I make her a Thankful Box, it contained ALL the items that I knew she was Thankful for.

I made little cards that said I am Thankful for.....and then the item, and I attached them to said item.

 

In keeping with her quirky humor I included:

 

I am Thankful for Toasty Hands - Gloves

I am Thankful for being Warm - Leggings

I am Thankful for Kids - Sour Patch Kids

I am Thankful for Prophets - Picture of the Prophet

I am Thankful for Smiles - Wax Lips

I am Thankful for Soft Skin - Lotion

I am NOT Thankful for Stinky Breath  - Pack of Gum

I am Thankful for being Dry - Mini SHAM WOW

I am Thankful for Cakes & Pies - Little Debbie Snack Cakes

I am Thankful for Family - Family Pictures with a note from each of us

 

There were more but I'm sure that gets the picture across.

 

We also included a postit note Thankful banner.

I got a pack of postit notes (the pop up kind, they open up still attached) and wrote:

Reasons we are Thankful for Sister Zubicki....and then we wrote a reason or word why on each postit note.

 

 

We mailed it out with a note written on the box saying DO NOT OPEN UNTIL THANKSGIVING!

I know it's not mashed potatoes and gravy with grandma but, I hope it brings a little joy into her day and puts a smile on her face.

 

We are SO very Thankful for Sister Zubicki!

Reality

I have come to the conclusion that I Must begin to live in reality! First...I AM about to be 40 and regardless of how often I tell myself I am still 30...that is an untrue statement!:(
Second my daughter IS gone on a mission! Even though I think if I don't go in her room, then I don't have to acknowledge that she is not in here...she is gone....
Lastly my son IS in jail!
I don't share the private details of my life because...well who puts ALL their laundry out there and to the ones that do I'm always like...whoa hold a little back sister!
Mainly I fear...I fear like most people fear...what if I'm judged, what if he's judged...I'm still a little redneck and to hear judgment passed on who, I still see as my baby boy, could and most likely would send me off to the crazy place.
The truth is...who wants to say, oh your baby just took her first steps, oh your son in on the honor roll? Yeah, my son said he learned 20 new card games since he's been "IN" <-----proud mommy moment!
Then there's always the "oh no! I'm so sorry!"
What? Why are you sorry, did you put him there? Was it you who broke the law and falsely accused him?! (See the catty coming out & this hasn't even happened!)
I know that those are just statements out of concern but, I don't want concern....I don't want help....because unless someone can bake him a cake with a fingernail file in it and then house, clothe, and support him forever after his escape...the reality is, there is no help. I don't need to discuss my problems, worries, stresses, drama...to make them smaller, they are what they are and no amount of mouth vomit will change that.
So, then what? I say "Yeah it's great to see you too, oh did I tell you my son is in jail and could be there for 10 years?" What do I expect someone to say? "That's great! you must be so proud".....I don't know! Who has the answer to that? What is the right response? Does Hallmark make a "Lets Party in Mo-town, your boy's on Lockdown" Card? No...not yet but, I should send that request in, it could save some from the awkward silence moments.
Back to reality...my son celebrated his 19th birthday in jail. He is awaiting trail on two felonies in one county and then faces two more felonies in another county. He dropped out of high school (last year) his senior year and became addicted to drugs...I'm not sure what, I think....everything...anything he could get. When found guilty, he will be sentenced one to ten years on each charge....those are hard words, even to type them takes my breath away.
I still see him as a baby, as innocent....as my son...perfect. I know that he is guilty and  I have not bonded him out as this is a lesson he must learn on his own. Leaving him there has been the single most difficult decision I have faced in my life thus far. We have five daughters, none of them know he is there. We have purposefully hid this from them as we could not see the value in them knowing this....why give them this knowledge, why cause them that pain. We do not want them to stress or worry over his situation when, they can do nothing to change it. I wonder now if that is a decision based on wisdom, or if it is just the easiest.
As a parent we question ourselves constantly, how should we react, how should we respond, what do I say, what do I do....there is no handbook, no way to know what is "right"....we can pray, ask our mom, do what worked when we were kids....but, how do we know? Looking back at my life as the mother of my oldest who is on a mission serving our Lord and as the mother of my second oldest who is in jail....I question myself endlessly.
I pray that my son will learn from this experience and never have to face being incarcerated again. I pray that he is strong enough to survive with who is his still intact. I pray he knows he's loved. I pray he doesn't give up or give in to the temptations that surround him. I pray that he can one day come home to me.
Not too long ago during a phone call, I asked him if he needed anything. He said "like what mom, a new ipod?!"
I said "Golden there has to be things you need, like socks, or tshirts, do you want some pictures?"
He began to cry and said "Mom NO! Do not send me those things, I do NOT want to make this place feel like home! THIS IS NOT MY HOME MOM!" 
Oh how it hurt to not be able to help him...to not know the words, to ease his pain. A few days later I received a letter from him and near the end it said "Mom, I am so afraid....I do not want to finish growing up here. I fear this is my home. I AM SO AFRAID!" 
My son is in jail, it hurts my very soul and my reality is those two things are my reality.