Reality

I have come to the conclusion that I Must begin to live in reality! First...I AM about to be 40 and regardless of how often I tell myself I am still 30...that is an untrue statement!:(
Second my daughter IS gone on a mission! Even though I think if I don't go in her room, then I don't have to acknowledge that she is not in here...she is gone....
Lastly my son IS in jail!
I don't share the private details of my life because...well who puts ALL their laundry out there and to the ones that do I'm always like...whoa hold a little back sister!
Mainly I fear...I fear like most people fear...what if I'm judged, what if he's judged...I'm still a little redneck and to hear judgment passed on who, I still see as my baby boy, could and most likely would send me off to the crazy place.
The truth is...who wants to say, oh your baby just took her first steps, oh your son in on the honor roll? Yeah, my son said he learned 20 new card games since he's been "IN" <-----proud mommy moment!
Then there's always the "oh no! I'm so sorry!"
What? Why are you sorry, did you put him there? Was it you who broke the law and falsely accused him?! (See the catty coming out & this hasn't even happened!)
I know that those are just statements out of concern but, I don't want concern....I don't want help....because unless someone can bake him a cake with a fingernail file in it and then house, clothe, and support him forever after his escape...the reality is, there is no help. I don't need to discuss my problems, worries, stresses, drama...to make them smaller, they are what they are and no amount of mouth vomit will change that.
So, then what? I say "Yeah it's great to see you too, oh did I tell you my son is in jail and could be there for 10 years?" What do I expect someone to say? "That's great! you must be so proud".....I don't know! Who has the answer to that? What is the right response? Does Hallmark make a "Lets Party in Mo-town, your boy's on Lockdown" Card? No...not yet but, I should send that request in, it could save some from the awkward silence moments.
Back to reality...my son celebrated his 19th birthday in jail. He is awaiting trail on two felonies in one county and then faces two more felonies in another county. He dropped out of high school (last year) his senior year and became addicted to drugs...I'm not sure what, I think....everything...anything he could get. When found guilty, he will be sentenced one to ten years on each charge....those are hard words, even to type them takes my breath away.
I still see him as a baby, as innocent....as my son...perfect. I know that he is guilty and  I have not bonded him out as this is a lesson he must learn on his own. Leaving him there has been the single most difficult decision I have faced in my life thus far. We have five daughters, none of them know he is there. We have purposefully hid this from them as we could not see the value in them knowing this....why give them this knowledge, why cause them that pain. We do not want them to stress or worry over his situation when, they can do nothing to change it. I wonder now if that is a decision based on wisdom, or if it is just the easiest.
As a parent we question ourselves constantly, how should we react, how should we respond, what do I say, what do I do....there is no handbook, no way to know what is "right"....we can pray, ask our mom, do what worked when we were kids....but, how do we know? Looking back at my life as the mother of my oldest who is on a mission serving our Lord and as the mother of my second oldest who is in jail....I question myself endlessly.
I pray that my son will learn from this experience and never have to face being incarcerated again. I pray that he is strong enough to survive with who is his still intact. I pray he knows he's loved. I pray he doesn't give up or give in to the temptations that surround him. I pray that he can one day come home to me.
Not too long ago during a phone call, I asked him if he needed anything. He said "like what mom, a new ipod?!"
I said "Golden there has to be things you need, like socks, or tshirts, do you want some pictures?"
He began to cry and said "Mom NO! Do not send me those things, I do NOT want to make this place feel like home! THIS IS NOT MY HOME MOM!" 
Oh how it hurt to not be able to help him...to not know the words, to ease his pain. A few days later I received a letter from him and near the end it said "Mom, I am so afraid....I do not want to finish growing up here. I fear this is my home. I AM SO AFRAID!" 
My son is in jail, it hurts my very soul and my reality is those two things are my reality.